Sitting in Emotions

As 2016 comes to an end I’ve been spending a lot of time doing self reflecting. Assessing my life as it is now and thinking about where I want it to be in the future. As I look back at my younger years at what I thought my life would be like and compare it to where it actually is. I’ve realized it was nothing like I imagined. I envisioned myself married, pregnant by now or already working on my second child. The one thing that I’d say is going fairly well is my career path. I am serving in an organization that I am learning constantly from and there are endless opportunities for me, with a boss who believes in me. The one area that I allowed to happen naturally came organically; the one metric that I felt pressured to meet I’ve been struggling to accomplish. 

The more I focus on not reaching this “metric” the more I feel the pressure and pain of trying to control everything. The thing is now that I’ve been obsessing over these lifestyle milestones I’ve completely misplaced the purity of the idea and have tainted the reality. It no longer makes me feel fuzzy and happy inside. I feel more fear, stress and what seems like an internal ticking sound that will soon ‘ding’ because my time is up.

As the pain of not being in control grows larger, I’ve come to realize the importance of sitting in my emotions and accepting my life for what it is. Life happens in waves. Day and night, injury and healing, life and death. The waves of life are constantly happening; change is inevitable. Change is the only thing that is promised in this life. The goal in life as it relates to a positive outlook is not to chase happiness, the goal is to create joy. Happiness is an emotion- emotions are temporary. Joy is long lasting and not affected by external factors.

Currently, I am working on establishing joy within my life by creating moments of happiness constantly. Not waiting on others to provide those little moments but creating space for those moments to occur. Often, I’ve noticed myself expecting the universe to deliver a life to me that I haven’t necessarily worked for or even worse one that I am not ready for.

While having the opportunity to cohabit with someone I noticed an uneasiness with me. I hated how much time was devoted to my other half. I would work and then arrive home and spend most of my evening with them eating, relaxing, spending money, and sleeping.

It helped me realize how much I wanted a business partner in my other half. I want a teammate who together, we aim and accomplish goals. Whether it is supporting each other’s dreams and ideas or establishing goals together that we execute. I don’t like feeling separate from my partner and I hope that the king who decides to commit to me values my opinion in his decisions.

From my past experiences I have been able to identify what I like and what I do not like . I understand from sitting in my emotions that right now I am seriously not in place to get married or have kids. In my soul I have goals that are burning in me that are   itching and waiting to get out. Unfortunately if everything stopped right now for a husband or kids I may never find the time to execute those goals; especially in combination with upholding a career. Soon I know, that just like I’m looking back now, I will look back again and realize none of this stress was worth it. Everything will fall into place and I will understand why it happened the way it did.

Look at Janet Jackson she waited and is having her first child at 50 and is married to a man whose net worth is 1 billion dollars. I know I’m not Janet Jackson but the moral of her story for me is that it’s never to late to get what you want and deserve.

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