#Series1: It’s Not Just a Brown Girl Problem/No need to compete-
Recently, I’ve been on this journey of “Discovering My Femininity.” It all started when I read about a comment made by a celebrity. It was something about African American women and “our” lack of femininity. I fail to remember which celebrity it was, but instantly, it reminded me of the video made by Trick Daddy awhile ago. When I saw Trick Daddy’s video I won’t lie, I was bothered. I wanted to write something to reflect how I felt but couldn’t even channel the energy enough to organize my thoughts. I knew that I wanted to use the energy this time around.
I wasn’t upset because of any veracity within the statements. I was just over the sycophants who were seeking public approval at the expense of their sisters. When I watch those videos, it’s so embarrassing and hard to listen to. No other race bashes their women on social media and on the web like some African American men do. No wonder why the Don Imuses of the world exist.
Pain raised with the anger because I replayed comments I received growing up that affected how I viewed myself. I was over celebrities who have no relevance, speaking for our race, for our women and even for their fellow men. I quickly cooled down and realized I should pity those men, because if anything, it is a reflection of their self hate. More importantly, to openly publicize that you don’t love your own women reflect your own weakness.
Immediately, I wanted to learn about femininity though, in hopes that I could teach other young girls and women of color. I wanted to really learn if African American women have a femininity problem. I wanted to, at the same time, discover mine.
I soon realized, I couldn’t define femininity when I really thought about it and got excited because I sensed an ah-ha moment coming. I looked up the definition, read articles, and watched videos. I soon picked up on a trend. African American women do experience challenges with femininity, but we aren’t the only ones. All the videos and articles I read, women mentioned they too, did not know or understand femininity. Until a man, brought to their attention, their lack of it. Until that point, they were incapable of seeing that they didn’t possess femininity. Many women spoke of how initially they believed femininity came naturally with being a woman.
I was intrigued and I wanted to learn all that I could about femininity. I’m still putting it all together and intend to share that soon. However, this post isn’t about what I found out; I’m saving that for later. Instead, I wanted to share in this post what takes away from our femininity most.
I’ve been looking into femininity and observing how all women behave in tv shows, in communities, in business and even on the road. What I’ve noticed is that we really do have a feminine issue. From this, I have created a 4 stage theory that I believe are the events that lead to a woman loosing her femininity.
I’ve listed that theory below:
Stage 1: She gives love and receives hurt – someone or multiple people hurt her.
Stage 2: Hardening of the heart- as a result her heart becomes hard; she looses conscience.
Stage 3: Two can play that game- revenge is sought after; two can play that game mentality dictates her life.
Stage 4: “I can be a better man”- once revenge is accomplished; defending of her new position occurs. This begins to seep into all areas of her life and stages 2-4 are constantly repeating, in different relationships, situations and environments.
What takes away femininity:
Instead of women proving that they can be a better man they should work at being the best version of themselves as women.
Since noticing this competition between women and men, I noticed that often women are working to prove that they can do things just as good as men. Instead of, doing things the best way as women. Men have never doubted our ability to do anything. They have watched us give birth for goodness sake. They know we are not weak. We however, are biologically built better for some tasks and men are better suited for others. Men are logic beings. Logically, they can’t see how such beautiful, soft and pure creatures such as ourselves could ever be asked to do any job or task that would oppose those aforementioned qualities. Men aren’t doubting our abilities in my opinion, I think they just recognize our differences and want to preserve what makes us women.
When women compete with men we actually are communicating the one thing that we are in opposition with. We end up communicating that men are superior. By fighting for the man’s position, we are fighting for something that already has a qualified member filling it’s void. Furthermore, we communicate that we believe our position is less and that we are uncomfortable with our position.
So what’s the solution?
NEVER HARDEN YOUR HEART.
To avoid loosing your femininity, I realized one thing, you can never harden your heart. You must always be open to receiving and giving love. I realized there are a handful of activities that help us stay in a state of love. These activities involve creating, giving and receiving love. Just to name a few: dancing, painting, traveling, ceramics, writing, singing, yoga, and jewelry making. These activities are for boys too but when women engage in these activities, I believe we are more receptive to the positive effects. So ladies, be vulnerable, forgive, love, nurture, encourage, inspire, multiply, and create.
To my ladies of Afro descent. We aren’t alone. Other women are working to understand femininity also. We don’t need to hate our black men that bash us, but love the self-hate out of them. They can love who they love, but let’s not harden our hearts toward them, instead let’s love them and push each other to love ourselves.
I can’t wait to get what I found about femininity, all out . Discovering My Femininity has so many components that I can’t wait to share. In this piece I wanted to point out that many women of different backgrounds are working to understand femininity and that a harden heart and competing with a man for his God given position is a lack of femininity. God gave us our own throne and if we women want to tap into our true power, we have to stop trying to channel male energy only. We have powerful influence that we aren’t using because we are more interested in forcing what isn’t ours.
In my next #DMF series, I’ll share how/why I think femininity got lost in today’s society and what we as women can do to bring it back!
Until next time.